Thought it was all going too well. Everything appeared to be perfect and yet yesterday it all seemed to fall apart and I had a meltdown of Chernobyl proportions! It's amazing how two pieces of bad news from Blighty can have such differing effects on the psyche of the househusband, one piece knocking me on my arse and the other picking me right back up again. I feel a long way from home all of a sudden and possibly (dare I even mention the word) HOMESICK! It is a very perculiar sensation, something I have never felt in all my time away before but I think I finally understand exactly what it is. India suddenly doesn't feel like home, albeit I am sure temporarily. I feel an overwhelming urge to be back with the rest of the Conde's at this time and am finding it all a bit overwhelming.
The first piece of bad news happened to coincide with my first really tough day with the boy's. I think Amanda used to find the monday tough after a weekend of the whole family being together and this Monday was a horror! All set to start pontificating on the ease of house husbandry and ready to smash down the facade erected by women who paint home life as hell on earth, I got stopped completely in my tracks. Unable to get my head around the bad news and with an unhappy hot baby and a Rafa like a coiled spring I gradually start to lose the plot. Unorganised, emotional, tired, hot, humourless and suddenly very lonely I find my patience wearing thin with the boys. I try to focus on what I have enjoyed so far but can find no solace, everything is shit. India, house husbandry, heat, children, cooking and most of all the 3000 miles seperating me from Mum Dad and Paula (my sister).
After two days of hell and using my usual technique for dealing with worry and stress -ie ignoring it and letting it gradually bubble to the surface - the erruption came over a bottle of cheap Indian white wine (so bad it has to be virtually frozen to even contemplate drinking it). Amanda as usual copped the worst of it as I ranted about my general hate for everything including her sensible, pragmatic approach to any problems. Sorry, PARTICULARLY her sensible, pragmatic approach to any problems. I had now decided (wrongly I hasten to add) it was all in fact her fault and that we should never have come here blah blah blah blah blah - hang on Natasha Henstridge is just about to get naked in the film Species on tv, a moments respite! - blah blah blah blah. I think you get the picture. After much blah blahing from me, a few tears, alot of patience and understanding and sensible words from my fabulous wife all seemed better again. I am left feeling some what pathetic at my lack of mental strength and worried that I have had a meltdown after only one month but realise the enormity of what has happened and vow to get tough.
All this was followed by my second piece of bad news which oxymoronically was a piece of good bad news! The good bad news in question was delivered by a good old mate who will never know what a tonic he was at just the right time. The guy in question happened to mention to me that work was terrible, bad debts were rife, sales were slow and margins were squeezed. Another ex colleague had suffered a particularly hefty bad debt and everybody was generally miserable. The feeling of schandenfreude was immense and though feeling desperately sorry for a really top guy that things were so crap, it actually made me realise how lucky I am to have this opportunity. How I need to stop feeling sorry for myself , sieze the moment and make something of the chance I have here. To understand how lucky I am to spend this amazing time with my wife and boy's but most of all, appreciate the fact that I am in good health and grow some balls and be strong for the person that is going to need me most over the coming months.
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Hi Gareth,
ReplyDeletehave been so self-obsessed these last few weeks with work that have not read this but wish I had as it's brilliant: touching, honest and above all so well-written! Rock on! I have bigged you up on my blog. You said your mate made you feel how lucky you are, well so did your blog. Made me realise books really aren't important, and all that matters is our health and the health of thosee we love. keep up good work, hope Gandhi foot is cured. Katy.