Red is the sign of danger!

A friend of mine Jamie, swears blind that nothing red should ever be eaten. It is a fundemental fact of nature he argues, that anything red should be avoided when it comes to culinary matters and takes great pride in knowing that he has spent his whole life avoiding said colour (apart from once when a tomato was hidden in something from burger king). I once had a very animated call from him to announce with great joy that in the paper that day was a story about a boy who had died from eating a tomato! I can only compare his joy to what Ferdinand Magellan must have felt ,when after sailing the world for the first time proved his theory that the world was round and not flat! Justification at last!

You may ask what this all has to do with life in Delhi? Well I can reveal that I have finally found something that our 'dog in a bin' (Silas) doesn't like eating and guess what it is? Tomato! Bearing in mind he has so far been found eating rupee coins, ants, pigeon pooh, his own pooh and a reclining buddah made of plaster of paris this is some revelation. When you add to this the fact Raf has always had a loathing of the red menace, I have to wonder whether my boy's have been 'got at' by Jamie or he does indeed have a point. The problem is that I have had nothing to cook on for a week and the most readily available food for sandwich making is of course tomato. I am now having to chop it up really small and hide it behind large lumps of cheese as I try and squidge it in to Silas's mouth in the hope he will eventually grow to like it. Raf on the other hand is a lost cause and will no doubt spend the rest of his life harbouring some sick wish that someone dies from a tomato allergy! Jamie, I hope you are happy.

Along with the first of finding something Silas dislikes I have had a few of my own in my new role. Some, probably you desperate housewifes may have experienced, some I am sure you will just think weird. After going to visit Raf's new school recently I found myself drifting off and looking out the window as it started to rain saying, "bugger, I have got a load of washing on the line". I am not sure if I said it out loud or if it was in my head but either way I found the experience deeply disturbing. I ended up not hearing a word said by his new head teacher as my masculinity had a subconcious wrestle with my feminine side. Luckily I managed to stay just on the masculine side but then found myself having another first. Going for dinner after the meeting I used the word restroom instead of toilet in the restaurant! I hate the word restroom, it conjures up images of sprawling chaise lounge's and marble sinks which -as anyone who has been to India will know- is actually the total opposite of what a typical Indian toilet is like. I was horrified, it was as if I had turned into some sort of victorian British gent and hence spoilt the rest of my meal. The worst offence of all though was the following day when I morphed into my mum by using the phrase " you are not watching telly on a beautiful day like this" to Raf's request to watch spiderman. I froze on the spot, convinced for a split second that she was actually in the room. I have already found myself using dad phrases like 'wo- betide' and ' by the stars' but to start effecting the maternal sayings of my youth was most disturbing.

Instead of watching spiderman we went to the market and bought Raf a new cricket set which it proudly announced on the box was endorsed by champion cricketer Sachin Tendulkar. We played all afternoon (eventually interupted by a security guard from group2 enquiring if we require security? He didn't get it when I asked if they were half as good as group4!) and Raf is now convinced that champion cricketer sachin tendulkar is his full name! The box also informed me that the toy was educative, safe, non toxicative and non injurious to both life and health! I was very pleased to discover this and it is a great example of the Indian's marvelous twisting of our native mother tongue. At the chai stand yesterday, a well spoken Indian man used the word facilitatatively in conversation to me. His exact words were:
"The proprieter of the chai stand would like me to facilitatively converse with you in order to translatatively converse back to him, is this conducive to you sir"? They definately feel that the longer the word, the better whether it is correct or not. We also heard the phrase 'alternate gender love' used in the same sentence as quentin crisp and An Englishman in New York while listening to the radio! Clearly the word gay hasn't yet filtered into polite Delhi society. Any way I must sign off now to facilitate the rehydration of my body with ozonofied h2o before the too much hot sun becomes injurious to my life and health!
Namaste