Wednesday, 31 March 2010

Danger! Decent cricket break out!



Saturday morning Siri Fort sports complex and the latest venue for the monthly British school dad's massacre. I wrote this intro 3 days before the latest game but things didn't quite go to plan. In a bizarre twist of fate and please whisper it,the British school dad's are in danger of forming a reasonably solid unit!

We turned up on a beautiful summer morning to be confronted by a site rarely seen before. A proper cricket ground! No mats, no cardio-thoracic hospital windows for Jamie to smash and no strange rock formations at deep mid wicket! We were all in whites and looking rather professional, ready to take on the team Toby (Henceforth to be called Splitter)Porter had put together from Save the Children.

We won the toss and with Splitter Porter captaining the sprightly looking STC team and buoyed by an inspirational team talk from Jamie- "It's going to get hot later so feel free to swing the bat" our openers Tim "Boycs" Bond and Adam "clubber" Leetham bounded to the crease looking confident and composed.

It is at this point I usually start talking about balls that stayed low and bad bounces off the mat but today was different. After having a good look at the bowling Adam settled in nicely and started to nudge the ball around purposefully before crashing the first boundary of the day off the second ball of the second over. With Tim holding up his end well we were looking in good nick.

With Charlie uttering the never before used phrase "are we really 12 for none?" it all came home how surreal this was. Two overs gone and nobody back in the hutch, it was a record and oh how they started tumbling after that. Adam was eventually out for 8 and came back in uttering something about "The opening bowler having a beautiful length" a comment nobody questioned any further! Tim was out for 12 after facing about 3500 balls - or so it felt - there was talk at one point of sending me in to run him out but we decided against it. Why bother when he is perfectly capable of doing it himself!

At the wicket we now had Bill "flashing blade" Ballenden and Vip "the V.I.P." Kumar. taking the bit firmly between their teeth they accelerated the run rate to 11 an over against a mixed bag of STC bowling. One guy was bowling from so far behind the wicket he was virtually in the pavilion with us while another ones action would have been deemed illegal in a chucking competition! You can however only deal with what is in front of you and deal they did. Flash hit a terrific 28 before succumbing to exhaustion while The VIP hit a stunning 40 not out with the sort of classy display deserving of a better set of team mates!

Jamie "hand eye" Heywood chipped in with his usual display of perfectly timed sweet spot shots and Tony "ow me hand" smith and debutant Alex "Baby faced assassin" Luke saw the 20 overs out.

An astonishing 121 for 5 from 20 overs!Records included not being bowled out, a new high score of 40 from the VIP,not losing a wicket in the first over and having more than one box to share!

With optimism in the air but also a realisation that it was a fairly flat track, we headed out to the field sweaty but eager. A faint whiff of a victory was circulating and we were in danger of becoming a credible team. Could we take the pressure? Would we crumble under the weight of expectation? Could I bowl an over without a wide?

The ball was handed to David "Dot-Ball" Mcbean to open and he snorted down the track to deliver the first of the day. A reasonable over ensued with STC falling behind the required run rate early. The second over was elegantly bowled by Richard "Slow Fingers" Downey who had warned the umpire before starting "You have to watch very carefully for the LBW decisions because I can turn the ball both ways". Another decent over, STC restricted to 11 off the first two, we were on our way.

With some further good stuff from Flashing blade and the VIP and some real eye candy leg spin from the Baby faced assassin flanked by some less than average stuff from myself Tony and Tim we managed to restrict STC to 101 and take a small margin in to our second innings.

I am afraid the old familiar story reared it's ugly head at the startof the second innings as Richard David and myself fell for 2,1 and 1 respectively. Things were starting to wobble. While Richard Downey didn't understand how you could be run out when you are in your crease, I didn't understand why I couldn't come up with one single excuse as to why I was out other than I am pretty shit!

Our ever reliable wicket keeper Charlie "the cat" Benson strolled to the crease with broad shoulders and a steely look in his eye to accompany the VIP and between them they gradually steered the game away from STC. The cat held his end up well for a credible 10 while the VIP blasted another rapid 30 before sportingly retiring.

Baby faced assassin added an elegant 8 and Hand eye an explosive 14 so we ended with 80 setting STC a target of 101 to win from 10 overs. Pick of the STC bowling was a fantastic 4 wicket over from The Splitter. Unfortunately for him, the old playground rule of 'can't be out on your first ball' meant his figures showed just the one! Laugh? Don't be silly, we felt very sorry for him!

So to the final innings. as STC ticked along at the required rate for the first 4 overs small panic was setting in. With the thought of a cider tent at the British High Commission fete sitting in the back of our minds the focus shifted slightly to upping the over rate rather than closing out the match. Then Jamie got his game face on and bought out Dot Ball, the VIP and Slow fingers to shore the match up. After Slow Fingers showed his winning appetite with an appeal for caught behind about an inch from the umpires face - his previous delivery was an inch outside off and was given a wide and well lets just say he wasn't too happy- it all came down to the final over.

Who would be trusted to take us home to a first victory? Who was the man for the big occasion? Who could take this amount of pressure on their broad shoulders? The skipper Hand eye, tossed the ball to me with this ringing endorsement.

"Here you Gareth, they need 37 to win surely you can't cock this up"!

I didn't. We won! Oh yes the BSD have won their first game and we confidently talked about the possibility of having a reasonable side all of a sudden. the problem is, I wont be able to get in it! Bring back the bad old days I say!

Thursday, 11 March 2010

Shopping parade conspiracy

I think our local shop keepers have had enough of me. There seems to be some sort of conspiracy between them to keep me away. It started with balding children and ended with shrunken curtains, confused? You will be.

Let me start by telling you about our local shops. It is the sort of thing we had in the UK before Tesco's metro and Sainsbury's local destroyed it all. A parade of shops if you will. The sort of place we used to hang around after school kicking a football or trying to cop off with each other, till the fed up shop keepers threatened to tell your mum and dad and you scarpered.

We have a coffee shop;butchers;chemist;two,dry cleaners;cigarette/paan kiosk;grocery store;bank;estate agent and hardware stand.Everyone down there is very friendly and helpful, well they were until this week.

At first I couldn't work out why everyone was turning hostile but after a bit of detective work I have found that the responsibility lies squarely at the foot of The British School New Delhi. It is from there that Raffi has managed to infect himself with hair lice. Not an un-common problem one would assume. Certainly not something that would make me become a social pariah in my own neighbourhood. Unfortunately it has, and here is why.

I walked down to the chemist with Rafa and Silas to get some treatment for it and the conversation went like this:

"Hello how are you?"

"Very well, what can I do for you?"

"I am after a hair lice treatment for my children."

At this point, the girl behind the counter looked at me in utter disgust.

"Sorry sir we do not do this for children." Came her curt response.

"Are you sure?" I questioned.

"Absolutely sir, if you want a treatment for you, this is OK but for your children this is not right."

She then cast me a look that made me feel somewhere between a paedophile and a rapist and I left the shop.

A little confused I thought no more of it and went home. That afternoon the guy from the local dry cleaner came to the house with our freshly cleaned curtains. He very kindly offered to re hang them for me which he got on with until I looked and saw that they had shrunk by a good 5 inches.

I called his boss and told him he had better get up here straight away and explained what had happened. He arrived looking at me as if I was something on his shoe and I wondered if he was privy to the lice information and a little wary to enter. More to the point had he shrunk the curtains on purpose?

He looked at the curtains and told me they hadn't shrunk and that I had in fact lifted the curtain pole! I explained to him that he was lucky 'A' wasn't here and it was me he was dealing with and sent him on his way to get them stretched and on the pole by the time she got home, or his arse would be kicked all over Shanti Niketan!

After enduring 'A' screaming down the phone to the maid and I about what she was going to do if her $400 curtains were ruined I decided enough was enough and headed down to see Mr. Merry at our local store for a diet coke. I said

"Hi Mr. Merry" my normal greeting to him, to which he replied.

"My name is not Mr. Merry, that is the name of the store, my name is Ravi". He eyed the boys up with a shake of the head and look that said poor kids. I had no idea why Ravi had chosen this point after nearly a year to turn nasty and inform me of his correct name but my suspicion was still the lice.

Surely everyone is not turning nasty because my son has nits? This is India, most of them will happily pee up the wall in front of you, I they really that prissy about few nits? With the bit between my teeth and the realisation that everyone was looking at me with disgust I decided to drag the boys back into the chemist, determined to find a treatment for Rafa.

Once inside it was a scene reminiscent of the bar in American werewolf in London. All the staff came to a standstill and peered at the freaks before them. Summoning up some courage and suppressing my anger I asked again.

"Are you sure you have not treatment for hair lice for my children? It is no big deal and quite common in the UK for kids to suffer from them."

"Sorry sir them?"

"Yes them, hair lice"

"Lice?"

"Yes lice, that crawl in your hair"

With that, her frown changed to a laugh and look of relief.

"I am very sorry sir I thought you were looking for a treatment for hair loss for your son! I thought it was strange because he has very long hair and it was not nice to be treating your child for this"

With that there were laughs all round and people started relaying from shop to shop what had happened and laughter was ringing out every where.

It was then that the penny dropped. The chemist thought I was involved in some sort of sick child abuse whereby I try and make my boy's hair grow as fast and as thick as I can artificially and had told the whole parade thus making me public enemy number 1.

I left the chemist with the treatment seeing the funny side and passed Ravi on the way out who told me I could call him Mr. Merry if I choose. the dry cleaner told me the curtains would be sorted by Saturday and apologised for his mistake and the woman at the coffee shop asked if I wanted a pastry!

All was well with the world again and I was back to being, that-nice-tall-bloke-with-the-two-cute-kids and not serial-rapist-and-possible-murderer-on-the-run.

I got home and relayed the comedy of errors to 'A' who sat there looking rather sheepish. She then explained that she had just been down there herself and given the dry cleaner a massive bollocking about the curtains. The poor guy took her tirade while trying to argue his point before finally getting a word in and explaining she was at the wrong dry cleaners!

My status has no doubt once again plunged and I now no longer feel I can ever shop there again.

Thanks 'A' you are a star.

Tuesday, 2 March 2010

Tikli Bottom








The invitation was confusing to say the least. A bit of bat and leather action at Tikli Bottom, are you in?

How could one refuse? It was only after it was explained to me that Tikli bottom was a place and the bat and leather action was actually cricket, that the penny dropped and I reluctantly agreed.

Another outing for the British School dad's and - owing to the fact that I was playing - no doubt a good hiding! The benefactors of our combined cricketing genius this time was The Baas Educational Trust(BET)school in Garatpur Baas(Haryana). A magnificent charitable organisation that offers an education to the children of three surrounding villages. Baas, Gairatpur Baas and Pandala.

The school is the brain child of our wonderful host's for the day Martin and Annie Howard who have been in India for 25 years looking after tourists at their divine home Tikli Bottom and looking after the village children's futures. Please take the time to look at the website www.tiklibottom.com and if you are feeling flush maybe donate. You will be putting your money to good use.

To the cricket. The format was "simple enough" our erstwhile organiser and team skipper Toby, told us. Two local village teams against us in a "round robin" 10 over-a-side tournament. This was all rounded off with a fairly stern "do you know anyone who has a batting helmet"? Now I love a game of cricket but the version I like involves pies, pints and gentle medium slow bowling. When mention is made of helmets I think more of American football and Ice hockey!

Re-assured by Toby that it would be fine and we are taking along our own mat to avoid the "difficult dust bowl bounce" I arrived on the day full of beans. The village teams we were playing were Baas and Pandala and were there ready for us as we arrived. The first thing I noticed was that they were generally speaking young and particularly athletic, then talk of helmets surfaced again and panic set in.

Having won the toss, we decided to field as we started the first match against Baas. The rules were simple:10 overs-a-side rotating bowlers as much as is sporting; if you hit a 6 into either the village pond or over the wall you had a minute to find it or you are out and you can't be out first ball. All very British one would think.

After the first over, bowled very well by Adam Leetham was spanked for 13 we realised they were taking it quite seriously. It all had a faint whiff of the Aamir Khan film Lagaan were the local villagers in the Victorian British Raj period took on the British gentry over the payment of an unfair tax. If the villagers won the tax would be scrapped for 3 years, I am sure you can guess the rest.

We were not trying to impose a tax, in fact we were not imposing much at all. As over after over of fair to rubbish bowling came down the Baas team found themselves piling on the runs pretty quickly and eventually finished with a fairly impressive 116.

With 12 an over required, we felt reasonably confident,completely Misplaced as it turned out! After a reasonable first wicket partnership of 29 from Adam Leetham (8) and the ever dependable Jamie Heywood (21) the collapse came! Conde and Saif both fell to snorting deliveries which destroyed their stumps and dignity before the rot was slowed a little by Toby and Puneet with 11 and 10 respectively. Tim Bond then quacked his way back to the hutch while Bill - looking distinctly like a proper player - scored 12 aided by a splendid 1 not out from debutant Tony Smith.

After the 10 overs we limped to a poor 65 - 8, the only bright spot being that we were not all out!I still can't help but think that the rapid tumble of wickets may have had something to do with the shared box. The quicker you were out the quicker you got to remove it!

Lunch couldn't come quick enough and we sat and gorged our way through Pimms, Kingfisher and pie while watching how it should be done as Baas played Pandala. With Pandala winning comfortably, we took to the field against them to avenge our earlier defeat. Buoyed by the Kingfisher coursing through our veins we started fairly promisingly, limiting them to about 12 an over!

With Tim Bond taking a breathtaking catch at point and Charlie Benson performing magnificently behind the stumps, we suddenly looked in good nick. Saif and myself popped up with 'once in a lifetime' deliveries that clattered the stumps and we suddenly fancied ourselves. It was to be a false dawn! The runs started to come thick and fast again as the crowd were dispatched time and again into the pond to retrieve huge 6's. Pandala went on to rack up 128 setting us a target of 228 to win the tournament!

We could do it, 23 an over was mathematically possible, we just needed to believe, seize the moment and slog for the boundaries. The score board looked like this:

Tony 5 bowled
Charlie 4 bowled
David 2 bowled
Tim 3 bowled

Can you see a pattern forming here?

Toby 1 bowled
Saib 1 bowled
Bill 5 run out
Pradeep 8 caught
Gareth 1 stumped
Jamie 14 caught
Adam 1 not out

All out for a fairly pathetic 44 and falling about 200 short of the necessary total. There were some bright spots and positives to take forward to the next game however.

Bill looks like a good addition to the squad and there were promising debut's from Tony (Foolishly tried to get his fingers to a massive 6 on the boundary while bouncing off a tree, that's the spirit) and David (Cracking team member, just got to promise not to bowl again).

Pandala were the eventual winners but we had a sense of moral victory as we manged to avoid any serious injury and all live to lose again another day.

Photos from top to bottom:

Martin presenting the Pandala captain with the winers cheque and a magnum of Veuve Cliquot (may have made that last bit up.

Our star player Jamie.

Toby checking the communal box is still in place!

Toby with a rare boundary.

The teams.