Perspective!

I had a question to answer while registering Silas last week at nursery that asked the occupation of the father. I paused for a second and felt ashamed for a brief moment that I could put nothing, I also thought about lying! What would Silas say if he could talk? What does Rafa say at school when people ask what his daddy does for a job? Why do I feel slightly ashamed that my answer had to be house husband? I thought I was over all this but still it rears its ugly head.

I would love to do this for the rest of my life and find the thought of going back to work really tough. I love this time with my children and wife so why do I feel so guilty about it all? Every male I know is so jealous of my situation and yet I feel I may be starting to take it for granted. It also caused me to take a bit of a dip for the first time,feel a bit sorry for myself and make me question if we are doing the right thing - for the first time - for me.

It has made me seriously question the little microcosm of expatsville life we live in - and my role in it - for the first time. The little things that up to now have not bothered me are suddenly starting to grind. Small things like traffic and other things you have no control over, like the fact that you have to get people out five or six times to do the same job they should have done right the first time suddenly seem really important but I have had some sobering home truths to snap me out of it.

An old friend Danny is currently in a hospice for his last few days aping what recently happened to my best man and mate Matt Saunders and as most readers know my mum is currently battling cancer. On top of this I have my mother and father in law out here who have had a monumental amount of hurt to deal with over the last year, the least of which is losing their daughter and grandchildren to another continent.

I look at the way they are all dealing with their respective problems with nothing but admiration and realise my lot is pretty good! My mum is a complete inspiration, she has never put any pressure or guilt on to us here and has fought her cancer with a dignity and bravery which is breathtaking. Every step of the way she has been helped by my dad who always has and always will be my hero and my sister who has a huge amount of daily pressure of her own.

My mother and father in law are probably the most decent people I have ever met and really have no right to have gone through what they have recently along with my beautiful sister in law and yet still they are smiling and showing a stiff upper lip above and beyond the call of duty.

I always get a bit introspective and low when I am facing a trip back to blighty. I don't know for definite why but can't help but feel it might be the fact that I will be back in the Conde family bossom and not want to leave again. Open fires in Autumn, good red wine, great company and roast beef are something I am really looking forward to but part of me feels that here is home now and leaving it will be a wrench. Despite this, I can't wait to see my mum, dad and sister and tell them how much I love them and how proud I am to call them my family.

More to the point, the in laws being here and seeing their hurt and knowing the brave battle my family is putting up at home against the bastard that is cancer is helping me to realise what a great life I actually have.

It is time to "man up", see that I am living the proverbial "Reilly" life and get on with it. Dan, ma,pa,Pickle,Bomes,Peter and Brenda, you are an inspiration and I am truly the luckiest man alive. Thank you.