Enemy at the gate.

I have no idea about the etiquette at the school gates. I am usually fairly adaptable to most circumstances - Though some may beg to differ - and have negotiated most of the traumatic events over the years with reasonable aplomb. You know the sort of thing's, first introduction to girlfriend's parents;dinner date's with complete strangers organised by the wife; Wedding day etc. etc. I like to think of myself as a bit of a social chameleon, able to blend in reasonably well in most company, yet am at a complete loss how to behave and who to speak to when collecting Raf from school!

What is the 'done thing'? I am starting to have panic attacks about it 30 mins. before it is time to collect him. Should I just bowl up to the first person I see and break in to conversation? Keep myself to myself and wait for someone to approach me? Stare at the floor and avoid eye contact at all costs? It is all a complete mystery.

Everyone always said that your kid's going to school is a great way of meeting new people and in our current circumstances this would be a good thing. We certainly met some great people through Rafa's nursery when we had moved to a new area so were hopeful it would work the same way here. Unfortunately, it is going to be hard if I never speak to anyone! Complicating matters further is the fact that there are about 15 different nationalities in Rafa's year, which means 15 different cultural rights,wrongs and languages at the school gate.

I am at a complete loss. As usual, 'A' has just got on with it and is now on first name terms with everyone and organising 'play dates', while I am still sat in the car till the last possible minute in the hope that all the other parents will be gone by the time I get in. It is so not like me and really starting to bother me. I am wondering if it is because they are - in the main - women? They all seem to have huge smiles and endless chit chat, it all seems so natural. All I have is a morbid fear of eye contact and a soaking wet t-shirt.

Am I discovering another thing that men are just not genetically predisposed to - others being: finding item's in fridge/wardrobe/handbags; Remembering.... anything; clothes shopping and knowing which cushions can be sat on and which one's can't be! - ? Or am I just turning into a grumpy middle age man that has forgotten how to be sociable?

My main problem with it all is the fear of striking up a conversation with someone that turns out to be completely boring. I have no ability to spot a bore at all, let alone deal with distancing myself from them once I have discovered they are. Once I have started, I know it will end up with me suggesting we should go out sometime, exchanging numbers then being stuck in a borefest for all eternity. In short I have no boredar at all and I am just not prepared to take the risk.

Why should we all get along anyway? The only thing we definately have in common is that we all chose to have sex at about the same time 5 years ago. Hardly a solid foundation for 'new best friend' finding is it? The only person I have braved talking to so far is a guy who is actually in the same boat as me, a house husband. RESULT!!!! Things were looking up for about a week, until he announced he is going back to Blighty for 3 month's to work! GUTTED!!!! Perhaps his boredar works well and he sussed me out, who knows?

I have decided now there is nothing left for it other than to face my fears. Tomorrow I am going to walk in to school like Jack the peanut, sidle up next to the most un-boring looking person my rubbish boredar can find and strike up a conversation. I asked 'A' for some advice and she gave me 2 tips.

Firstly, find out very early if they are likely to try and indoctrinate you to a religion and secondly and most importantly, make sure they drink!